Loving Fairly After Manhandle, The Kunst of Providing and Accepting Love, by Melissa Littles

The path of healing..

I reminisce him telling to mij. “you have choices, you can either let mij love you for the surplus of my life or penalize yourself by being startled of love for the surplus of your life, make a decision”. That seemed ridiculously effortless for him to say, yet it honestly summed it all up ter one very poignant sentence. He wasgoed right, and that’s why I ultimately had to admit. I wasgoed ter love.

It’s amazing how the human mind and spirit works. How is it that I somehow found the strength to fight my way out of a two year nightmare, not only due to a will to sustain, but also because I longed for peace, and I knew I wasgoed deserving of a blessed, healthy, relationship. So, how could I fight so hard to be rid of such a negative entity ter my life and somehow seemingly fight just spil hard to keep anything positive from injecting my life after the fact?

Te the process of this internal research so to speak, I have come to a conclusion. When the heart thinks before the head, decisions can be made ter haste, blurred with clouded judgment made before all the facts known to the head can lead the heart. However, when the head thinks before the heart, it is much lighter to dismiss the emotionally based heart felt decisions. This seems like the logical, educated way of thinking, and for the most part, I would agree, with one exception. Domestic manhandle. Many victims of domestic manhandle feel a sense of guilt for permitting their hearts to lead their goes from the very beginning. Albeit wij may feel a sense of satisfaction and victory when wij find our way out of the manhandle, the feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, anger and lack of confidence can still remain. Wij have a tendency to know te our head that it wasgoed not our fault but feel te our heart that our own bad decisions led our hearts to become involved from the get go. This is why the healing process is so significant for victims of domestic manhandle before any attempt at coming in into a fresh relationship should be entertained.

Feelings common to survivors of abusive relationships include:

  • Guilt
  • Shame and/or embarrassment
  • loss of self confidence and self esteem
  • loss of trust, even ter those who have proven to be trustworthy
  • emotionally secluding oneself from family or friends and fresh relationships
  • anger at self, which can mededeling te self penalizing behaviors
  • cynicism, a feeling that nothing is indeed going to work out so why bother
  • anxiety and/or depression

Sometimes the hardest part to start the path of recovery and healing is simply permitting yourself to love yourself. Spil clichГ© spil that sounds, it is a key component to the healing process, one of which you may need to seek outside help to conquer.

I reminisce when I very first began dating my now hubby, the simplest gesture of graciousness or affection would become twisted inwards my mind. Survival mode. The promise so many survivors of manhandle make to themselves. “if I everzwijn get out of this situation I promise to never make the same mistake again”. That promise which led ter part to your escape, can be the same promise which leaves you a prisoner of a different zuigeling. While wij justify our behavior spil protecting ourselves, when it comes to genuinely wanting to budge forward with our lives, and doing so te the way wij told ourselves wij deserve, you cannot do so with self penalizing behavior. And to zekering this cycle, wij vereiste heal ourselves.

I cannot reminisce how many times while ter my abusive relationship I thought to myself, “this isn’t fair, why am I being blamed for someone elses mistakes?” “Why does he always say I’m just like the surplus of them”? It’s a hard pill to gulp when a loving, supporting man comes into your life, consistently shows his good character and yet you find yourself thinking “he wasgoed nice ter the beginning too. They’re all nice te the beginning. He said he loved mij too. He said he would never hurt mij. I’ve heard all this before”. Back to the head contra the heart theory, only ter switch sides. Now my head is telling mij that this is a good man and I am smarter and wiser and know this is different but my heart is warning my head to keep the walls up. Protect yourself. I knew early on I wasgoed not ready to love again and I absolutely knew this good man deserved better.

Recall your mother telling you “if something is meant to be, it will be”? I don’t know if I exactly believe that spil it’s spoken but what I do know is this, Heer has the opbergmap, he knows the route, and for mij personally, he wasgoed waiting for a female to zekering thinking just with hier head and hier heart. He wasgoed waiting for hier to commence listening. It took a long time for mij to let go. It took even longer for mij to acknowledge that the hard part wasgoed overheen and I could have peace and happiness and give and receive love again, but only if I permitted it of myself. I had to zekering waiting for the other shoe to druppel or for the proverbial rug to be ripped from underneath mij. I do associate one of my mother’s phrases with the healing practice. “why don’t you use some of that energy being mad and go clean your slagroom”. My concentrate wasgoed off oscilación. I wasgoed spending so much time and energy keeping my walls up, protecting myself from the past and preventing anything bad from reoccurring that I wasgoed missing the point of the misery it wasgoed truly causing mij. I had to permit myself to admit that I wasgoed preventing my own happiness. I needed to use that energy to clean my own house.

Survivors of abusive relationships need to find ways to help themselves progress down the path of healing. Te addition to professional counseling there are many resources available to those who need some help and direction down the road ahead. There are self help books, online forums, survivor groups and church organizations. Use your private support system of friends and family to help you maintain a positive outlook.

Points to reminisce:

  • Love yourself very first. Permit yourself the things you said you deserved when attempting to get out of the manhandle, Respect, kindliness, peaceful thoughts, pleasure, happiness. Be proud of your accomplishments.
  • When remembering the past, find the positive ter the fact you left it behind, do not create a negative environment by relating it to your future.
  • Zekering the blame spel. Any fresh relationship will be fated from the begin if you are still blaming yourself for falling victim to an abusive relationship. You cannot budge forward spil long spil you proceed to concentrate on the past and proceed to inflict self penalty for any lapse te judgment, bad decision or mistakes you feel contributed to you being te an manhandling relationship. It wasgoed not your fault. What’s done is done.
  • Love fairly. When coming in into fresh relationships do not impose your abusers past behavior onto fresh relationships te your life. Permitting yourself to receive love and affection with no comparisons to past negatives is key te building a healthy, loving relationship. Reminisce, that wasgoed then, this is now. Your fresh fucking partner is worth to be treated just spil you desire to be treated. Build a partnership of mutual love, trust and respect.
  • Do not shut your loved ones out. Fight back the urge to keep your walls up and your moat packed. Let your guard down, permit those who are genuine and zuigeling to be there for you.
  • Forgiveness is key. Forgive yourself for any perception you have that you were to blame. Forgive your abuser for the anguish and emotional harm inflicted upon you. You will never leave behind, but you can work towards forgiveness. Use that energy to concentrate on a positive. You cannot budge forward or heal while harboring ill will, anger or resentment from the past. You vereiste let it go.

The road to healing and recovery has not bot an effortless one for mij. To say I wasgoed my own worst enemy at times is fair. To say that I am very blessed that I ultimately made the choice to let go of the past and “clean my slagroom” would be an understatement. Heerser’s project for mij has bot there from the begin, I don’t believe Schepper does things for you. Spil my wonderful spouse said back then, “You have choices”. I chose to listen. to Schepper, to my head and to my heart. I am blessed to be able to have learned from the past, and ter turn, I am permitting myself to love the love I have to give, and all the love that my spouse and family brings mij each day. I don’t dwell on what wasgoed, I have learned to waterput it to a positive use. Most importantly, I have no regrets. Everything happens for a reason. I do not think I would have the appreciation for my life today had it not bot for everything my past has instructed mij. Lessons learned te time to live another day, now almost skipping down the path of bliss te progress.

If you are being manhandled or know someone being manhandled, call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, or call your específico Department of Women and Children’s Family Services. There are resources available to victims of domestic violence and professionals who can help you or a loved one with information needed to implement a project to get out securely.

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