Now is the time for all Cracked readers who complain about my swearing to get their dicks nice and hard on their high fucking horses, because FetLife-esque messages are the fucking worst, and I can’t talk about it without throwing out enough curse words that I’d go broke if someone slipped a swear jar ter gevelbreedte of mij.
Look, unless you give mij a reason to, I don’t give a fuck about the way you want to tinkertoy your dick with someone else’s genitals, but there is a time and a place for everything. No one wants to hear about what revs your dick up on the very first date. Park that shit ter a garage until at least the third date like a común person, goddamn.
If you’re looking to saco an entire relationship around some kink, go to FetLife and leave mij the fuck alone. If you don’t know what FetLife is, zekering lounging and go to FetLife already. Just because you’re online doesn’t mean the basic rules of social interaction abruptly don’t apply. If you came up to mij ter public purring about wanting to be my daddy, I would mace you so prompt that you’d be clawing your own eyes out while wondering what te your fairy tale age-play life went wrong.
I use the nice kleuter, tho’.
Let mij tell you right now — it went wrong the 2nd you asked some random woman to call you daddy. You can purr right up your own asshole with that shit. Y’all need 50 shades of Jesus and some sensitivity training.
One man who I willingly told to get the fuck away from mij with his marionette fantasy protested that FetLife wasn’t spil well-known so a lotsbestemming of people were “resorting” to OkCupid. Fine. Here ya go — FetLife exists! Go do your power play and your vore and all that shit overheen there, and zekering “resorting” to asking youthful women to be your hookup gimps. Your fetish doesn’t take precedent overheen a woman’s right not to fucking overeenkomst with that shit.
OkCupid suggests matches for you based on your match procent, which is determined by answering a bunch of questions. There are thousands of questions, and the more you reaction, the more accurate your match procent will be.
Some of the questions are benign, some are about how socially espléndido or conservative you are, some are about what you’re expecting from a relationship, etc. When you look at someone else’s profile, you can see how much of a match that person is with you, and can look at the questions that you disagreed on. If you don’t match, they literally call that person your enemy. It’s a remarkably effortless system to master. Nevertheless, messages like the one above arrive te my inbox almost daily.
Someone sent mij a Cracked message merienda telling I wasgoed “very tumblr,” and I’m not for one 2nd pretending that shit isn’t true. My OkCupid profile makes that shit abundantly clear. I literally use the word “kyriarchy” te my bio, have Audre Lorde listed spil my dearest author, and set my profile picture to mij doing a Rosie the Riveter pose at my very first pride vertoning.
Alex Wong/Getty Pics News/Getty Pictures
That’s not mij and that’s undoubtedly not a pride vertoning, but you get the idea.
Only two of those are true but at that point, does it matter which one’s a lie?
I’m not even talking about the messages from boys who are mad at my profile and send mij “cumslut” messages — y’all are boring and need to get a hobby or spend time with your mom or something. Get your lives together.
Pic Source Pink/Picture Source/Getty Photos
Also, your mom’s the whore.
No for this, I’m talking about messages from people who are like, a 25 procent match but then act all astonished when I shut down their advances. I mean, you answered match questions telling that there are times when women owe you lovemaking and that you think wedstrijd and intelligence are correlated. If this wasgoed NextBus, your three joy facts would be “still says ‘no homo,’ has entirely overreacted to a perceived slight ter a buffet, questionable reading comprehension.” How I feel about you spil a person aside (tho’ for efectivo, you suck), ter what reality do you think wij’d be compatible at all? Everzwijn? Motherfucker if you are not at least a D+ grade ter the match category, I don’t have time for you.